Texas architecture, like the people living in the state, has many different flavors. There are the big-ass ranch-style homes with multi-zone air conditioners so big they could cool an entire mall. Then you have tiny, boxy container abodes where you can stretch your legs out in under 200 square feet. And there are plenty cookie-cutter planned homes like those produced by D.R. Horton, which specializes in the quintessential new build with freshly sodded grass.
Between all the samey subdivision sprawlers, pastel city-core condos, and gentrifying vertical modern builds, you’ll find some unique property listings that are unlike anything else in the country.
If you have dreams of becoming a land baron, you could purchase this $26.5-million ranch estate in Hempstead, halfway between Houston and College Station, which has a fully stocked fishing lake, a natural habitat for wildlife, eight stalls for horses, and a hangar-like warehouse for your gigantic trucks.
For a mere $36 million, this greater uptown Houston home gives you instant caché, the kind of hubris that emboldens Texans to throw giant galas with ice sculptures that instantly melt in our summer heat. This property, designed by David Easton, boasts tons of marble, hand-painted details and more salons and ballrooms than your gossip could ever fill. Pretend you’re in a Versailles romance — or maybe just a “Saltburn”-inspired psychosexual drama — as you flit from room to room.
Here are some more fuckin’ houses to peruse, which could be yours (for the right price):
Box It Up in Marfa
Marfa may be the place where social media influencers and crypto bros go to pretend they have an artist’s soul, but it’s also home to some of the most interesting architecture in the state. This 2015 container home is under 1,000 square feet, but because it’s in the state capital of getting-your-shit-together-over-a-long-weekend, the asking price is $485,000.
Still, it’s a funky conversation-starter with a commercial gas stove, a fence, and a guest suite with its own deck. If you can stand the West Texas heat, you’ll be rewarded with some lovely nighttime stargazing near Fort Davis.
The White House, But in Dallas
It’s too late to make your 2024 run for president, but you could still live like one in this Palladian Neoclassical house in North Dallas, designed by Robbie Fusch. With its French limestone and imported marble, and its Venetian-style walls (not to mention the outdoor putting green), you’ll be all set to entertain heads of state, celebrities and plenty of lobbyists in style.
The $40 million listing and the broker’s Instagram reveal a vast estate over 3.3 acres that includes an opera-style private screening room that seats 22, a sauna and steam shower, a tennis court, catering kitchen, three guest suites and a master bedroom boasting two fireplaces (because having one is for shivering poors).
A Robert Rodriguez-Style Retreat
Calling a property you’re selling “iconic” takes balls, but no one’s ever accused Austin-based filmmaker Robert Rodriguez of subtlety. The director of “Spy Kids“ and “Sin City” is unloading his “007 Bond Retreat,” a nearly 5,200-square-foot house across four acres on Lake Travis.
The 1962 home was “reimagined” in 1999 by architect O’Neil Ford and has a solarium (basically a sunroom with even more glass), a private boat dock and floor-to-ceiling windows. It’s being listed for $8.9 million or about 1,211 times what Rodriguez says he spent making his first movie, “El Mariachi” ($7,000).
This $2 Million Sand Dollar
The house in this list getting the most attention is easily Austin’s “Sand Dollar Home,” designed by Frank Lloyd Wright protégé John Covert Watson and purchased by Tone It Up fitness influencer Karena Dawn and her husband, real-estate investor Bobby Goldstein. The couple bought it in 2021 when it was listed for $1.75 million, turned it into a short-term rental, and successfully flipped it.
Mansion watchers are salivating over the listing, which has already been featured in the Houston Chronicle, the New York Post, the Wall Street Journal and Dwell. Unfortunately, it was sold in early August, so you may need to wait for a re-flippening if your heart — and budget — is set on this house
What could almost $2 million have gotten you, apart from a unique sea-inspired design and curved walls? Breathtaking views of Lake Travis, three bedrooms, 2 ½ baths and 2,240 square feet of living-in-a-sand-dollar stretch-out-your-fins space.
Your Villain Era Starts Here
Supervillains need a place to plot, but the overhead cost of building one’s own lair is ridiculous (and there are only so many empty volcanoes to choose from). A more modest option is to move to El Paso and buy this $915,000 home that has a large driveway to accommodate plenty of henchmen and visiting foreign dictators and, critically, an indoor Koi pond.
Nobody says you have to keep Koi in the Koi pond, though. You could easily replace them with piranhas.
