It’s official: Texas has lassoed itself another big win for freedom — by banning it.
Yes, in a bold stand for liberty, small government, and the God-given right to eat things that once mooed, the Texas Legislature has banned the sale of lab-grown meat. If you were hoping to celebrate your next tailgate — or July 4 — with a brisket that never had a face, you’re out of luck.
In a state where people regularly threaten secession because someone in Washington tried to recommend a vaccine or put up a speed limit sign, we’re banning fake meat to protect the delicate feelings of an industry that already receives billions in subsidies.
If only the Texas Legislature cared as much about freedom when it comes to, say, women’s bodies, school books, drag shows, marijuana, or literally anything else besides what ends up on your tray at Golden Corral.
Instead, Texas lawmakers have decided to protect us from … checks notes … meat that wasn’t born, raised, and processed the old-fashioned way — with antibiotics, hormones, and existential dread. (Nevermind the fact that antibiotic use in agriculture has already snowballed into antibiotic resistance in humans in developing countries, “leading to higher healthcare cost and sometimes death.”)
Senate Bill 261, which takes effect September 1, will make it illegal to sell cell-cultured protein for human consumption in Texas through 2027. Because when the Founding Fathers said “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” they definitely meant “only if your happiness was grass-fed and USDA-graded.”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller called this a stand for “real Texas food.” Which I guess means Whataburger, gas station pizza, and meat that had the decency to die screaming.
“Texans have a God-given right to know what’s on their plate,”” he said — while ignoring the part where Texans also used to have a God-given right to decide what’s on their plate. “And for millions of Texans, it better come from a pasture, not a lab. It’s plain cowboy logic that we must safeguard our real, authentic meat industry from synthetic alternatives.”
Yeah, nothing says “small government” quite like regulating your lunch.
To be clear, no one’s forcing anyone to eat test-tube turkey here. Lab-grown meat is already labeled, voluntarily. It’s not being secretly slipped into your kolache.
And not to harp on this, but isn’t the whole point of this Lone Star libertarian cosplay to let people make their own choices? You know, limited government, personal responsibility, freedom to eat beef grown in a petri dish or at least have a debate about it without the state slapping your fork out of your hand?
Critics have (fairly) raised questions about lab-grown meat, but supporters point out some obvious benefits: no slaughterhouses, no poop, no antibiotics, no pesticides, and no microplastics.
“Cultivated meat, in our view, is safer than the conventional meat that is produced in a large scale that’s on the market right now,” said Dr. Uma Valeti, CEO and Founder of Upside Foods told KXAN.
Meanwhile, according to the heathen Communists at the U.N., 14.5% of human-caused greenhouse gas emissions come from livestock farming. But rather than support a method of meat production that could, you know, not doom the planet, Texas lawmakers are protecting our God-given right to methane.
Let’s review: In Texas, you can buy a flamethrower online and drive it home in your truck. But you cannot, under any circumstances, eat a piece of chicken that didn’t first have to poop, peck, and die for your sins.
So if you want to try lab-grown meat, you’ll have to go to California or Singapore — places Texans love to mock, unless we’re talking about moving there for jobs, legal weed, or a mammoth meatball made entirely in a lab.
Because here in Texas, despite all our free-market bullshit, our leaders are happy to pick winners and losers. And the big loser, as usual, is the environment. Enjoy hurricane season!
