As you probably know, more than 50 Texas House Democrats have skipped town to stop Gov. Greg Abbott and the Legislature from turning Texas’ congressional map into a racist GOP fever dream where every district somehow ends in Ted Cruz’s driveway.
Most of our blue-shirted fugitives have landed in Illinois, land of deep-dish pizza, wind, and hot dogs without ketchup. And while the Dems are holed up dodging civil warrants, fines, Texas Supreme Court rulings, and (maybe) the FBI, they’ve got some time to kill.
So here are 10 things they could be doing while Abbott tries to extradite them like it’s an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger: Felony Map Edition.”
1. Take a Group Photo at the Lincoln Home
This one’s a no brainer: Politicians love being in photos. But as Illinois’ favorite son (Abraham Lincoln, if you’re nasty) once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Then again, his gangly ass once jumped out of a window to break quorum, so.
2. Visit the Obama Library
Sure, Former President Barack Obama’s library is still under construction but at least one Texas Rep. — Jessica Gonzalez — interned at his White House, so maybe they could get a sneak peek? And if they can’t get a full sit-down, maybe Obama can at least record a voicemail: “Hi, you’ve reached Rep. James Talarico. He can’t take your call right now because he’s hiding from a process server. But here’s a quick word from President Obama…”
3. Reenact ‘The Fugitive’ at Every Chicago Landmark
Texas Democrats have done more to dodge capture than Harrison Ford. Someone get Rep. Gene Wu a fake ID and a waterfall — it’s method acting and political protest.
4. Audition for Season 5 of ‘The Bear’
The stress, the chaos, the yelling — it’s basically the Texas Legislature with better lighting and more knives. After surviving a special session, getting screamed at in a fictional kitchen might actually feel like a vacation. (Or, maybe re-enact an episode of “Survivor,” since Rep. Jolanda Jones is an alum.)
5. Eat a Hot Dog
What’s more Chicago than a hot dog? You can grab one pretty much anywhere, there’s even lots of vegetarian options (these ARE Democrats, after all). But don’t put ketchup on them, or you might find yourself renditioned back to Austin.
6. Reflect on Democracy at the Bean
That big shiny bean in Chicago’s Millennium Park? Perfect place to gaze into the distorted reflection of America’s soul, which, let’s be honest, still looks less grotesque than whatever the Texas GOP just Sharpie’d onto a congressional map at 3 a.m. after a Fox News binge.
7. Practice Catching ‘Arrest’ Warrants at a Cubs Game
Nothing says “summer in Chicago” like watching a Cubs game. Just bring gloves for foul balls and potential arrest warrants flung from the governor’s office. And someone can buy Lauren Simmons a beer for saving us from former state Rep. (and current transphobe) Shawn Thierry.
8. Host a Fundraiser at Manny’s to Pay Those $500-a-Day Fines
Because nothing says “we’re being punished for defending democracy” like Venmoing brunch money to your state rep. Bonus points if Abbott shows up demanding extradition and someone hands him a menu instead.
9. Take a Bus Tour and Pretend You’re in a Functioning Democracy
Chicago’s got those cute double-decker tours. Climb aboard, sip a LaCroix (or a Rambler if you can find it), and pretend you’re living in a world where elected officials aren’t actively trying to eliminate their constituents’ voices because Trump said to on Truth Social.
10. Tour the Chicago Federal Center
It’s good practice. The skyscraper — and beacon of Mid-Century Modernism — in the downtown Chicago Loop has been a part of the city’s skyline since 1974. If Abbott’s “extradition” threats ever materialize, this is where they could end up filing appeals. Might as well get comfy with the layout! Maybe pick up a souvenir mug that says, “I dodged a quorum and all I got was this federal injunction.” (Admittedly, that’s a lot to fit on a mug.)
So hang in there, Texas Dems. The stakes are high, the pizza’s thick, and if Abbott tries to come get y’all — just remember: You’re in a state where political stunts come with mustard, not arrest warrants.
